Shark Attack Prevention Strategies

Using a felt marker, write "Best Before
July 2001" on your thigh.

Wear a really skimpy Speedo -- no one wants
to see that, not even a shark.

Be sensitive to the shark's needs.
Sometimes, like you  and me, they just need to be
held.

Your startlingly realistic impression of an
injured seal?
Leave it in the car, dude.

Always go into the water with the kid who
pulls off his scabs.

Wait at least thirty minutes to go swimming
after eating a bucket of chum.

Only swim on days Miss Cleo says it's safe.

Don't let your children into the water until
the sharks have filled themselves up on the
neighbor's kids first.

Always swim with a slower, juicier buddy.

When swimming, always bring along a bottle
of Zima.   Just like humans, sharks hate Zima.

Avoid heavy use of "Zesty Cajun Flavor" sun
block.

Cover yourself with pictures of Anne Heche,
because not even a shark would go near that
crazy-ass chick.