TOP TEN ITEMS ON GEORGE W. BUSH'S
TO-DO LIST NOW THAT HE'S THE
PRESIDENT-ELECT

10) Hook up nuclear launch button to The Clapper.

9) Authorize new presidential anthem: "Hail to the Chad."

8) Send message to Wheaties people: "Hey guys, how about it?
    My face, your box."

7) Order copy of "Presidents for Dummies."

6) Keep distance from Cheney...don't want to catch heart disease.

5) Start mending fences with Democrats...appoint Gore "Secretary
    of Losers."

4) Avoid smoking any cigars left behind by Clinton.

3) Deliver memorable speech at inauguration: "I have a dream...
    then I wake up."

2) As soon as possible, have transitional team meet with Martin Sheen.

1) Now that all the bickering is over, gracefully bow out.