Actual headlines

Gators to face Seminoles with Peters out
The Tallahassee Bugle

Messiah climaxes in chorus of Hallelujahs
The Anchorage Alaska Times

Governor's penis busy (should be "pen is")
The New Haven Connecticut Register

Thanks to President Clinton, Staff Sgt. Fruer now has a son
The Arkansas Plainsman

Clinton places Dickey in Gore's hands
Bangor Maine News

Starr aghast at First Lady sex position
The Washington Times

Clinton stiff on withdrawal
The Bosnia Bugle

Long Island stiffens for Lili's blow
Newsday

Organ festival ends in smashing climax
San Antonio Rose

Petroleum jelly keeps idle tools rust-free
Chicago Daily News

Textron Inc. makes offer to screw company stockholders
The Miami Herald

Married priests in Catholic church a long time coming
The New Haven Connecticut Register

Governor Chiles offers rare opportunity to goose hunters
The Tallahassee Democrat

Would she climb to the top of Mr. Everest again?  Absolutely!
The Houston Chronicle